Several weeks ago, some friends of mine shared with me an experience they had while on vacation. They encountered a situation where things were not going according to plan. In response to the situation, the husband said to his wife, “Lower your expectations.” Since then, I have been thinking a lot about expectations. What are expectations? Is there any such thing as a realistic expectation?

Expectation is defined as “the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.” When we add “realistic” to that definition, things become tricky and open to interpretation. Someone who is realistic is a person who has a good grip on the reality of a situation and understands what can and cannot be done. “Realistic” is an ambiguous term, though. What may seem realistic to one person may be completely unrealistic to another.

The first question I think we should try to answer is where do our expectations come from? Expectations can come from our upbringing, our experiences, peer relationships, religion, or the influence of the media. If our families were open and affectionate, we will most likely grow up thinking that these expressions of love are a realistic expectation for future relationships. What if the opposite were true in your home and there was no affection shown? Would that be a realistic expectation for your future relationships? Religion comes with its own set of rules and expectations, some of which can be harmful. That’s why Jesus calls us to a relationship, not a religion. The media, in its many forms, is notorious for its unrealistic expectations! Let’s take the movie Pretty Woman, for example. Julie Roberts’ character, Vivian Ward, is a prostitute and Richard Gere’s character, Edward Lewis, is a single, rich, and lonely gentleman. They meet when Vivian escorts Edward to an event. He buys her a beautiful dress and adorns her neck with an expensive necklace. He enters the inner city in a stretch limo, flowers in hand, as she glides down the fire escape toward him. They fall in love and they live happily ever after. This is not realistic – it’s a fairy tale! However, if our desire to believe overrides our logic, we will set ourselves up for disappointment.

A lot of issues in our relationships can stem from unrealistic expectations. We all have different experiences; no two people’s childhoods are the same. We all have different “love languages.” Communication is vital to any successful, healthy relationship. Relationships of any kind are hard work. They require time and effort. Sometimes I look at my husband and I can feel the butterflies flapping away in my belly. But there are also times when he’s chomping loudly on a piece of gum in the car and I contemplate diving out of the passenger door! When I was raising my children, there were times I would have jumped in front of a moving train to protect them from getting their feelings hurt by someone at school and other times when I could have left them at the grocery store. I love my friends dearly, but sometimes I turn my phone off because I need to be alone.

If we do not express our needs, desires, or expectations to those we are in relationships with, we cannot hold them accountable to uphold them. People are not mind-readers! We must communicate. We need to truly open ourselves up to be known and we need to be willing to know others. “Realistic” is open to interpretation. I think we can all agree, though, that being treated with respect, honesty, dignity, compassion, and kindness are all things that are reasonable to expect. Don’t set your expectations so high that no one ever measures up, but don’t set them so low that you’re being unfair to yourself, either. There is a balance. Discover what is important to you. Don’t allow your needs to be dictated by a romance novel or a Lifetime movie. Be present, communicate, and reflect on your definition of an expectation.