Category: Life

issues, events, thoughts, situations that women encounter

Uncomfortable

Usually, when we hear the word comfortable, we think of furry slippers, a soft t-shirt, or a fuzzy blanket. We could also think of our favorite recliner or the perfect pair of good-fitting jeans. For me, the word evokes a happy, pleasant feeling. You just feel good when you hear the word comfortable.

Now, if I were to say uncomfortable. That’s a whole other thing. I immediately think of breaking in a new pair of dress shoes or the sofa grandma still has from the ’70s. Uncomfortable makes me feel tense, sad, or frustrated, like that one bra always at the back of the closet that you pull out at the end of the week because you have no other clean bras left to wear. You know that feeling. The feeling of I can’t wait to take this thing off when I get home before you even put it on!

Recently during a therapy session, I discovered something about myself. I was talking with my therapist about a problematic situation in which I had no answers when my therapist said, “Stacey, you just don’t like being uncomfortable.” She’s right; I don’t like being uncomfortable. I don’t like awkward situations or uncomfortable conversations. I don’t like not having all the answers. It makes me feel uncomfortable. As I continued talking, I had an aha moment. I’ve always found a way to interrupt uncomfortableness.

My feelings have always been big. If I’m sad, then I am sad. If I’m happy, then I am oh so happy. I better be on the invite list if you’re having a party. I love a good party! But knowing how to self-regulate those feelings? I had no idea how to do this. I didn’t know how to reel it in or keep it together. My emotions have gotten the best of me more times than I can count.

There are all these big feelings. My own feelings. My family, my friends. Then there are the stranger’s feelings and the world’s feelings. What does one do with all these feelings? All these feelings make me uncomfortable. I need to escape, but how? How do you unpack what you’re feeling and thinking if you’re overstimulated? This looks and feels messy. Remember when you were a teenager, and your parents would ask if your bedroom was clean? You’d run upstairs to push everything into the closet. The bed and floor look great, but the closet door is about to bust open. It looks tidy and neat, but right below the surface, it’s a disaster. That’s how I would feel.

My aha moment revealed some things to me. I had developed some unhealthy habits as a teenager. Not knowing or understanding my big feelings, I found ways to disjoin them. Ways to stop the uncomfortable. Most of us have heard of coping mechanisms. We know some can be healthy while others can be unhealthy. I chose the latter. My interruptions came in the form of alcohol, drugs, and relationships. My favorite tool in my arsenal is disassociating. Dissociation is a mental process where a person disconnects from their thoughts, feelings, memories, or sense of identity. I would completely detach from myself and my environment. I created this way of going within myself. My own little reality. If I am not present, I cannot feel; if I cannot feel, I cannot be uncomfortable. Disassociation can also be a creation of childhood trauma. Having suffered severe trauma as a child and teenager bolstered my ability to disassociate.

What I didn’t realize was that those feelings hadn’t gone anywhere. I might have been numb, but the uncomfortable was still present. It resided just below the surface. I had some other revelations as well. One, I’m not abnormal. There’s nothing wrong with me. My coping mechanisms needed improvement, but I’m not broken. I perceived my big feelings as being weak and too sensitive. I needed to be tougher. I’m sure I thought I was the only one who felt like this. We sometimes believe everyone else has it together while we’re falling apart. I am discovering, though, that I’m wired how I am wired. I am a unique, one-of-a-kind creation who feels how she feels. Second, I recognized that I’ve carried disassociating into my adulthood. It’s still my go-to when uncomfortable comes my way. When it all becomes too much, I disconnect and go within. When it becomes too loud, I retreat. Nothing can hurt me here. Unfortunately, we can buy into the theory that the teenage years are the worst, but once an adult, life becomes more manageable. That’s just not true; it’s not reality. Adulting is complex and can suck at times. Life can be unfair and confusing. Sometimes there are no answers to things happening. But that’s okay. Just because you’re feeling uncomfortable doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve done something wrong. It’s just happening because life happens. Disconnecting is not healthy and unfair to those around us.

So, I’m learning it’s okay to be uncomfortable. I can be present in the hell of it all. It’s okay to feel it, to sit quietly in it. To feel the beauty, the pain, the joy, the hurt, the confusion, the happiness. It can all wash over you yet not wash you away. You may feel like you’re going under, but you’re not. You are just living and feeling and experiencing this crazy ride of a life. You can be uncomfortable and survive it. We can feel our big feelings, acknowledge them, and process them healthily. One healthy way is to find a good therapist!

My goal moving forward is to stay present. Acknowledge what I’m feeling. To constantly remind me that there’s nothing wrong with me. I can do this. Just breathe. I can be uncomfortable. This is what it is right now. It may be different tomorrow or next year, but right now, it is this. I can handle it. I can shoulder the weight of it. I can get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

EXPECTATIONS

Several weeks ago, some friends of mine shared with me an experience they had while on vacation. They encountered a situation where things were not going according to plan. In response to the situation, the husband said to his wife, “Lower your expectations.” Since then, I have been thinking a lot about expectations. What are expectations? Is there any such thing as a realistic expectation?

Expectation is defined as “the act or state of looking forward or anticipating.” When we add “realistic” to that definition, things become tricky and open to interpretation. Someone who is realistic is a person who has a good grip on the reality of a situation and understands what can and cannot be done. “Realistic” is an ambiguous term, though. What may seem realistic to one person may be completely unrealistic to another.

The first question I think we should try to answer is where do our expectations come from? Expectations can come from our upbringing, our experiences, peer relationships, religion, or the influence of the media. If our families were open and affectionate, we will most likely grow up thinking that these expressions of love are a realistic expectation for future relationships. What if the opposite were true in your home and there was no affection shown? Would that be a realistic expectation for your future relationships? Religion comes with its own set of rules and expectations, some of which can be harmful. That’s why Jesus calls us to a relationship, not a religion. The media, in its many forms, is notorious for its unrealistic expectations! Let’s take the movie Pretty Woman, for example. Julie Roberts’ character, Vivian Ward, is a prostitute and Richard Gere’s character, Edward Lewis, is a single, rich, and lonely gentleman. They meet when Vivian escorts Edward to an event. He buys her a beautiful dress and adorns her neck with an expensive necklace. He enters the inner city in a stretch limo, flowers in hand, as she glides down the fire escape toward him. They fall in love and they live happily ever after. This is not realistic – it’s a fairy tale! However, if our desire to believe overrides our logic, we will set ourselves up for disappointment.

A lot of issues in our relationships can stem from unrealistic expectations. We all have different experiences; no two people’s childhoods are the same. We all have different “love languages.” Communication is vital to any successful, healthy relationship. Relationships of any kind are hard work. They require time and effort. Sometimes I look at my husband and I can feel the butterflies flapping away in my belly. But there are also times when he’s chomping loudly on a piece of gum in the car and I contemplate diving out of the passenger door! When I was raising my children, there were times I would have jumped in front of a moving train to protect them from getting their feelings hurt by someone at school and other times when I could have left them at the grocery store. I love my friends dearly, but sometimes I turn my phone off because I need to be alone.

If we do not express our needs, desires, or expectations to those we are in relationships with, we cannot hold them accountable to uphold them. People are not mind-readers! We must communicate. We need to truly open ourselves up to be known and we need to be willing to know others. “Realistic” is open to interpretation. I think we can all agree, though, that being treated with respect, honesty, dignity, compassion, and kindness are all things that are reasonable to expect. Don’t set your expectations so high that no one ever measures up, but don’t set them so low that you’re being unfair to yourself, either. There is a balance. Discover what is important to you. Don’t allow your needs to be dictated by a romance novel or a Lifetime movie. Be present, communicate, and reflect on your definition of an expectation.